“Bitch!”
The word was mouthed soundlessly
into folded hands, so that anyone who might have seen Betty Volk would have
believed the old woman was deep in prayer.
Her eyes were cast forwards, but
it was not the crucifix in front of her which held her gaze. To the left of the
altar was a display of shawls, made by women of the church to be donated to
patients at the local hospital. But there was one in particular that demanded
her attention. That shawl, that bright, gaudy shawl captured her attention like
a neon sign, making all else about it seem drab by comparison. Everything
else—the other shawls that were on display, the green pennants behind the altar,
the chalice into which Christ’s own blood soon would be poured—nothing else
mattered. Those garish colors stung at her heart like knitting needs plunged by
hateful hands.
She closed her eyes, trying to
drive away the malice it aroused in her. But closing her eyes she saw the face
of Mabel, the woman responsible for her pain. She saw that glib smile that
passed for kindliness to so many who knew her superficially. She saw the woman
who bought her clothes new rather than from Goodwill and rummage sales the way
she and most of the others in the knitting club did. She saw Mabel’s hands,
hands that had not been worn down by years of work the way her own had.
She opened her eyes again, saw
her own gnarled and misshapen fingers in front of her. Once she had been
capable of producing such finery that she would have put anyone of them to
shame. Now pain gripped her hands so tightly it brought tears to her eyes while
she had knitted the prayer shawl that was on display with the rest of them.
Hers was a simple blue shawl,
tasteful, but thick and well constructed. Mabel’s was a flimsy thing, made more
for show than comfort. Dear God, it looked more like something a lady of the
evening might wear, not something to keep an old person warm. Betty had used
yarn donated by a parishioner, but Mabel… Where did she even find such yarn?
It betrayed the whole idea of
charity, betrayed those who had contributed yarn for the project. It was all
about vanity for that…Bitch…Mabel. The hatred rose again in her, a hatred so
burning and alive it almost made her feel young again, almost made her feel
capable of things she had never even considered in so many years. She was
old—oh, so old—but there were passions that were still sharp in her. It seemed
that all that was once good in her had been taken by time, while those passions
that should have mellowed with age, should have been conquered at long last by
maturity or simply dissipated with the ebb of vitality, still lingered in her.
Lust. Dear God, it still
possessed her, though nobody would ever want to consider the idea. Pride. It
still determined her behavior, though there was precious little for her to take
pride in at this stage of life. Jealousy. She prayed that she might be free of
it, but somehow it seemed more difficult to pray with any degree of focus
nowadays. Age and human frailty had overridden and overcome all that was once
best in her. And while she once believed in the superiority of spirituality
over the physical, time had taught her many bitter lessons. It seemed as if her
inability to straighten her fingers to pray somehow prevented her prayers from
coming out straight. She was merely clay, a poor vessel for holding the virtues
she wished to possess.
She had spent the better part of
mass obsessing over the shawls, over her hatred of Mabel. She mumbled the required
responses and amens without really being aware of what she was saying. At some
point the priest had pointed to the shawls and explained to the parishioners that
they were to be donated to the sick at the local hospital, but Betty took no
pride in her accomplishment, spoiled as it was by thoughts of Mabel.
Lost in thoughts that had taken
hold of her despite her attempts to drive them out with prayer, she suddenly became
aware that the priest was now in front of her. It was time for communion, and
he was delivering the host first to those in the front row, those like herself
who were too old and infirm to stand in line like the rest. She opened her
mouth to have the host placed upon her tongue, then took hold of the chalice
and drank perhaps deeper than she should have of the wine.
A thought flashed through her
mind, powerful and compelling. For an instant, the idea of spitting into the
chalice so that Mabel might unwittingly drink from it came to her. It filled
her with revulsion, and she choked it down quickly into the dark recesses of
her mind. She concentrated on the host within her mouth, hoped to find strength
and salvation from its presence within her.
She swallowed determinedly,
lowering her gaze once more to her hands folded in prayer. But the thoughts
continued to come from the dark areas within her.
Her eyes closed, the blackness
within her became more overpowering. The prayers she silently uttered seemed to
be lost somewhere in parts of her mind no longer accessible by her aged spirit.
Within a gap where memory could no longer find the words, she heard the voice
of Henry talking soothingly to his mother.
Henry. What a despicable little
lickspittle. Mabel’s youngest, her special child, her baby. Spoiled brat, more
like it. She had ruined that child. She never allowed him to grow up, never let
him become his own man. And now here he was, middle aged, and still living at
home. Taking pleasures in things someone with a bit of youth to them should not
be bothered with.
He should have had a wife, should
have had a life. Instead, his life centered around his mother. And when she
passed, what would he have then? Bah, what a waste of life.
She turned her head to see Henry
arm in arm with Mabel. It was disgusting. It looked more like man and wife than
mother and son. It was unnatural, that’s what it was. And Mabel, she was
lapping it all up. Her child was like the shawl, not something with a value in
and of itself but a thing to garner attention for her.
Henry stood back so that Mabel
might receive the host, then he followed. Such a dutiful child. You could see
the thought in Mabel’s eyes, could see the pride she took from his debasement.
Anything to get attention, anything to have all eyes on her.
Bitch.
Very well, thought Betty. If it’s
attention you want, it’s attention you will receive.
Having received the Eucharist,
Mabel moved to the left where a deacon awaited her with chalice held in front
of him. She walked right in front of Betty, noticed her and gave her one of her
fake smiles. And in that moment the darkness took control of Betty.
Betty had her cane in one hand. Henry
was now taking communion. For a moment, Mabel was without the support of her
son, without which she might well have needed a cane, just like Betty. With a
deftness that surprised her, Betty moved her cane subtly in front of her,
directly between the legs of Mabel, throwing her off balance. Betty looked up
at Mabel’s face to see the smile die, turn to surprise and then fear.
It pleased Betty. For a moment she
felt young again, felt the thrill of excitement and accomplishment. She could
still make her mark on the world.
Betty watched it all as if it was
occurring in slow motion, as if at last time had slowed down for her, as if
time was finally giving something back. Mabel came down hard, harder than even
Betty would have imagined. The surprise and fear that was on Mabel’s face was
now wiped away and replaced by agony. She lay there, motionless.
Apparently, beneath the fine
clothes she wore, she was every bit as frail as Betty. In that moment, the
regret began to well up in her, but the thrill she felt at what she had done
never really left her. She felt that she was still alive, still capable of
doing big things, even if what she had done was horrible. She was alive, she
could right injustices. She still had power.
Henry was hunched over his mother
now, who was lying face down. He attempted to roll her over but his actions
were accompanied by a piteous shriek, the old woman’s voice an insufficient
tool to express the pain it must have caused her. Betty looked at Mabel, whose
face was now turned towards her. Blood dripped from her nose in gobs, but she
knew that was not the main source of her pain. It was a hip, Betty could see
that by the way she responded when Henry had sought to move her. She could
sense that it had shattered like an old piece of stained glass.
Gone was any semblance of pride
or sense of superiority from Mabel’s countenance. So wrapped up was she in her
own pain she didn’t even care about how undignified she appeared with the blood
pouring down her face, the grimace of agony on her face that rivaled the one
carved into the face upon the crucifix. Pity rose in Betty once again. Like a
pendulum, pity and satisfaction moved through her. She had the natural
revulsion at seeing another human being in pain. And then she remembered the
smile that had been on Mabel’s face and the pendulum swung back again. Betty
preferred the look Mabel had upon her face now.
For a brief moment, she forgot
where she was, and permitted a smile to come to her lips. Then she remembered
and wiped any sign of satisfaction from her appearance. She looked at Mabel,
but she hadn’t noticed, so wrapped up was she in her pain. Henry too, had no
attention for anyone other than his dear mother. Relief surged in her, until
she averted her gaze and saw another member of her knitting circle. Flora had a
look of horror on her face, but it was not Mabel she was looking at. She was
looking at Betty.
Flora knew. Betty was certain of
it. Betty could tell by the way Flora could not avert her gaze, although she
tried to look away.
Yes, Flora knew. It was time to
close her eyes, to appear deep in prayer as she contemplated what to do about
Flora. She would have to be dealt with.