When people first started wearing masks in response to
Covid-19, they all looked the same to me. But the longer it’s gone on, the more
I notice there are many different kinds of mask wearers. They say the eyes are
the window to the soul, but I can’t help thinking the way you wear your mask
tells us a lot about you, too. Below are some of the many different types of
mask-wearers I’ve encountered:
The Noser: Apparently, the mask doesn’t make it all the way
up to their nose. Or perhaps they are mouth breathers and aren’t aware that
noses are used for breathing. I’m tempted to carry around a permanent marker
and dot every exposed nose I see.
The Chin Strapper: The number one way to stop the spread of
a virus, according to them, is to cover up your chin. I believe they’ve had a
life-long discomfort of airing their chins in public and have been looking for
an excuse to don chinderwear.
Hammockers: The mask is worn distanced from the face. In some
cases, I have seen the straps attached to the glasses, allowing them to hang
directly under their mouths. Apparently the theory is that Covid is very heavy
and will fall from your mouth directly into the awaiting mask.
Leaners: They wear a mask normally, but then they lean in when
they want to tell you something and lower their mask to make sure you hear
them.
The Accessorizer: One who believes the purpose of the mask
is not primarily to prevent the spread of a disease but to look good with whatever
they’re wearing.
The Neckbracer: Whatever it is they’re wearing as a mask makes
them look like they’re waiting for the whiplash case to go to trial. This never
even makes it as far as the chin, but merely sits around the neck.
The NeckRomancer: Same as the Neckbracer but it is brought
up over the nose. It reminds one of someone wearing a turtle neck to hide their
hickies.
Trick Or Treaters: Those who use a global pandemic as an
excuse to dress in costume. Sometimes it’s just a giant smile that covers the
mouth chin and nose, sometimes it covers the whole head like a ski mask.
The Desperado: They’re rocking either the 19th
Century bank thief or the person in the 21st Century that holds up a
pharmacy to get their fentanyl fix look.
The Patriot: They want to show how American they are by
wearing faded or black and white flags on their buffs. They’ve lost their
battle to not wear a mask, but they’re still representing their rebellious patriotism
by disrespecting the flag.
The Toucher: The guy who just can’t stop touching/adjusting
his mask. In a matter of thirty seconds, you’ll see every part of his face that’s
supposed to be covered, and he’ll touch every square inch of it with hands that
like to touch everything else as much as his face.
The Scrub Nurse: Looks like they’ve just stepped out of the
E.R. after a grueling round of surgeries. The mask is in tatters, but damn if it’s
not N95.
Count Dracula: He forgot his mask and is self-conscious
about it, so he’ll use his jacket to cover the lower part of his face while he
talks to you.
The Muzzled Dog: Acts as if they are being punished by being
made to wear the mask and all joy has been sucked from their lives.
The Hermit: The mask has made them hypersensitive to the risk
of human contact, and it has made them unwilling to interact with anyone.
The Streaker: This person has forgotten their mask and feels
embarrassed.
The Flasher: This person does not feel embarrassed that they
don’t have their mask on.
The Complainer: You can see them standing around in public
places not wearing a mask talking to other people not wearing masks, saying how
f-ed up it is that their aunt is sick in the hospital from Covid and isn’t
allowed visitors.
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