Wednesday, January 28, 2015

An Open Letter To The NRA

     I have a few things I thought I would share with the NRA, the first of them being: please don’t shoot me.
     Oh, I know you have your guns only for self-defense. But you see, I can’t help noticing that your definition of self-defense is rather liberal, if you don’t mind me using that word. It’s not that I’m against the right of people to own guns, it’s just…well, I’m against the idea of some people owning guns. I think everybody, including card-carrying members of the NRA, know somebody that they wish didn’t own any guns. And therein lies the problem, the mixture of guns and idiots. Which leads me to my next point.
     I know gun owners are afraid of people with guns. And truth be told, having a gun is probably about the best way of protecting yourself from other people with guns. Except, maybe a bullet proof vest. Yeah, come to think of it, it’s doubtful you’re going to shoot the other guy’s bullet out of the air, so the vest would be your best line of defense. It might have helped President Kennedy. He would have felt the bullet hit the vest and he could have ducked before the second bullet got him. But to be honest, I don’t think he could have prevented his death had he been packing on that fateful day. As I recall, there were a lot of secret service agents and Dallas police officers all around him and they were all carrying guns.
     I know what you’re thinking (said Dirty Harry), a gun can’t prevent a crazy person from shooting, but it may make most people think twice about drawing a gun when they realize you might be packing. The idea is to out-crazy the crazy guy, out-bully the bully. If you have a gun and show you aren’t afraid to use it, nobody’s going to mess with you. I think this might be a good strategy. If I were going to pick a fight with someone and had to worry about whether that person was carrying a gun, I’d probably find something else to do. Being dangerous and scary can definitely help you get out of a dangerous situation.
     I’ll tell you where dangerous and scary don’t work, though: when you’re trying to promote the idea of responsible gun ownership. I know you’re all a little scared by the likes of Nancy Pelosi: to tell you the truth, she kind of scares me too. And I know black kids with hoodies make you a little nervous: there’s just no reason for them to be in your neighborhood. But whatever fear you may have that weaponless libtards are going to take you guns away just remember one thing: you have the guns. You don’t have to act all crazy and dangerous. You know why? Because you are the guys that have the guns, and everybody knows it. And we don’t. Just remember that every single one of those people that you’re worried about taking guns from you doesn’t have a gun. They don’t even like guns. And when it comes down to it, the police and the army probably are not going to want to take your gun from you because they like the whole idea of guns as well. Honestly. We need people with guns to protect us from other people with guns. We need the guys in the white hats to stop the guys in the black hats (and hoodies). And the crazies, too. Somebody’s got to protect us from the crazies. And that’s where most of you gun lovers have it all wrong, allowing Ted Nugent to do the talking for you. You see, he’s one of the crazies. If there was ever a poster boy for gun control, Sweaty Uncle Teddy would be it.

     You might as well ask the guy from Colorado with the Red hair to speak in defense of guns.

     I know you’re afraid of your government too, and again I don’t blame you. They have guns AND body armor. But check out what unarmed protestors did in Ukraine against armed pro-government police:

     There’s bravery without a gun. And you know what? It worked.

     Seriously, though, I believe that guns aren’t the ultimate answer to security. That’s going to come from trusting others a little bit. You can trust me, I’ve never shot anyone I’ve never fired a gun in my 48 years of life. And even though I’ve never had a gun I’ve never been shot. And if some day I am shot, I’m willing to be it’ll be by a gun owner.
     All I ask is that you don’t hate us just because we don’t have guns. I will run to your defense even without a gun if I ever see you in trouble. And if the government takes your gun from you, I’ll write a letter to the editor defending your right to have a gun fetish or any other kind of fetish you care to have. And if you’re more afraid of my words than I am of your gun, perhaps the pen is indeed mightier than the sword and perhaps you ought to abandon your guns for a keyboard.

     Don’t shoot me.

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