Monday, April 13, 2015

A Letter To Myself

Shortly after I graduated college, my dad died. Life seemed to get hectic after that, and somehow the aspirations I had that got me through college somehow got put on the back burner. I was an English Major who desired to be a writer, and for twelve years I did not write. I got married and raised a son and looked after my mother and somehow the whole passion for writing got lost in the shuffle. I kind of kept up with my other passion, music, as is recorded below, but it never really got me where I wanted to be. Below is the first bit of writing I did after those 12 years, a message to the person I was back then.

This is me writing. I have not done this in 12 years. 

Hi, me. I haven’t talked to you in a while. Don’t be mad, I have been busy doing all of the things you would have wanted me to do. I have been taking care of business. I have been trying to maintain relationships, although I’ve never been good at that sort of thing. I have been scouring the world wide web in search of all of the arcane information you were always so interested in. I have tried to keep in touch with you  but there has been  some barrier between us. I will not blame myself as you are so wont to do. But I have missed you, and so I have decided to come home to visit. I would like to live here but it seems a difficult thing to do. But I see that you are here with me now. Time is a river which we must step out of from time to time. You live there always but I am always being swept along. I must confess that were it not for computer problems, I would not be saying hi now. It is an accident, but a happy accident. I can feel you here now, much stronger than I normally feel myself. You have found yourself a hole within time where the things of the moment pass harmlessly by. I live in the moment and yet am constantly harassed by both the past and future. I fear death, both for myself and those I hold dear, without appreciating the live I am given. I am surrounded by the now without any appreciation of it. I experience and then move on without reflection. I eat without digesting, resulting in an ever upset stomach. I cry over the past without fond memories and worry over the future without hope.  My present is a constant toil without recompense. But in all that I do I have struggled to stay true to you, which is my consolation. I have worked to keep the people you love worthy of the love you have for them, as well as repay the debts you owe them. In this brief time with you I find more happiness than the countless hours I spend in the pursuit of distraction. It would surely bring a smile to me to know that you could find humor in my present situation, even if you were laughing at my expense. I know that you will never be me and I will never be you, but together we can be us. Something can be passed on-- both ways--hopefully the best of us both. Everything I have done has been compromised. No-one you love has been given the love they deserve, but we are not as big as we would like. 
     Here follows a brief synopsis of the last 12 years. Dad died. Got married. Learned to play flute. Saw Anglagard, Echolyn, and Caravan play live. 

As it is now 7 years since I wrote that, reading this again is levels of strange to me now. So if I may indulge myself once again, let me say a word or two to the person I was in 2008: I'm glad you did not lose heart. You did not feel at the time much faith, but I admire you more for fighting the battle while lacking it. I remember that time, wanting so passionately to do something with what you had been trained to do, and fearing you did not have the time, or the talent, or the luck or the whatever. But perseverance pays off, and perhaps faith is not always what it appears to be. I am the person you are, as well as the person you were. We are all the same person even though we're at different stages of being. And the person you are now, plagued by doubt as you may be, will eventually see his way through to the other side. Desire will win out. I wish I could tell you that, but it will be good enough to take the baton you have handed me and finish the race. I'm not there yet, but I am heartened by the effort you have shown, and confident of what I can do.

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