Sunday, March 22, 2015

Rat Poison For The Soul

I’ve been working on a new book that I hope to have out before too long. It’s a play on the Chicken Soup For The Soul series. I call it Rat Poison For The Soul. It’s a collection of seriously disturbing and depressing thoughts. Here’s a sample:

You’ve already met the right man, the one that is perfect for you, and he’s married to your cousin.

Even vegetarians eat animals because there are bug parts in everything you eat.

If your husband finds you unattractive, he’ll probably never tell you.

No matter how disgusting your wife says something is, she’s probably done it before, with some other guy.

There are more things crawling around in your mattress than in your flower bed.

In the next five years, it is likely that your job will be done by a machine or an overseas worker.

You will never be sure whether or not you mouth wash and deodorant work as well as you think they do. Nobody will tell you, they’ll just talk about it with others who know you.

You’re going to die. Seriously, think about it. You and everybody you know. Even babies.

How many men has your wife really been with? Does she still think about them? You know in your heart that she thinks this about one of them: “he wasn’t husband material, but damn was he a great lover!”

God exists but he doesn’t like you.

Think about the last time your dog licked you and then think about how long your dog can go without licking itself.

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