Friday, December 11, 2020

The Many Different Kind Of Maskers: What Your Mask Says About You

When people first started wearing masks in response to Covid-19, they all looked the same to me. But the longer it’s gone on, the more I notice there are many different kinds of mask wearers. They say the eyes are the window to the soul, but I can’t help thinking the way you wear your mask tells us a lot about you, too. Below are some of the many different types of mask-wearers I’ve encountered:

 The Noser: Apparently, the mask doesn’t make it all the way up to their nose. Or perhaps they are mouth breathers and aren’t aware that noses are used for breathing. I’m tempted to carry around a permanent marker and dot every exposed nose I see.

 The Chin Strapper: The number one way to stop the spread of a virus, according to them, is to cover up your chin. I believe they’ve had a life-long discomfort of airing their chins in public and have been looking for an excuse to don chinderwear.

 Hammockers: The mask is worn distanced from the face. In some cases, I have seen the straps attached to the glasses, allowing them to hang directly under their mouths. Apparently the theory is that Covid is very heavy and will fall from your mouth directly into the awaiting mask.

 Leaners: They wear a mask normally, but then they lean in when they want to tell you something and lower their mask to make sure you hear them.

 The Accessorizer: One who believes the purpose of the mask is not primarily to prevent the spread of a disease but to look good with whatever they’re wearing.

 The Neckbracer: Whatever it is they’re wearing as a mask makes them look like they’re waiting for the whiplash case to go to trial. This never even makes it as far as the chin, but merely sits around the neck.

 The NeckRomancer: Same as the Neckbracer but it is brought up over the nose. It reminds one of someone wearing a turtle neck to hide their hickies.

 Trick Or Treaters: Those who use a global pandemic as an excuse to dress in costume. Sometimes it’s just a giant smile that covers the mouth chin and nose, sometimes it covers the whole head like a ski mask.

 The Desperado: They’re rocking either the 19th Century bank thief or the person in the 21st Century that holds up a pharmacy to get their fentanyl fix look.

 The Patriot: They want to show how American they are by wearing faded or black and white flags on their buffs. They’ve lost their battle to not wear a mask, but they’re still representing their rebellious patriotism by disrespecting the flag.

 The Toucher: The guy who just can’t stop touching/adjusting his mask. In a matter of thirty seconds, you’ll see every part of his face that’s supposed to be covered, and he’ll touch every square inch of it with hands that like to touch everything else as much as his face.

 The Scrub Nurse: Looks like they’ve just stepped out of the E.R. after a grueling round of surgeries. The mask is in tatters, but damn if it’s not N95.

 Count Dracula: He forgot his mask and is self-conscious about it, so he’ll use his jacket to cover the lower part of his face while he talks to you.

 The Muzzled Dog: Acts as if they are being punished by being made to wear the mask and all joy has been sucked from their lives.

 The Hermit: The mask has made them hypersensitive to the risk of human contact, and it has made them unwilling to interact with anyone.

 The Streaker: This person has forgotten their mask and feels embarrassed.

 The Flasher: This person does not feel embarrassed that they don’t have their mask on.

 The Complainer: You can see them standing around in public places not wearing a mask talking to other people not wearing masks, saying how f-ed up it is that their aunt is sick in the hospital from Covid and isn’t allowed visitors. 

No comments:

Post a Comment